My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep