My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.