@Storminika: My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
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@XplodingUnicorn: [breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win.
@TheGladStork: Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.