@Storminika: My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
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@Try2StopME: Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
@Sickayduh: DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable.
@Cheeseboy22: Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.