Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*