@blondediva11: My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn't get me anymore. I. Don't. Want. A. Fish.
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@amydillon: Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. "What is this? It tastes like hair," said one ungrateful child.
@SuperJuanderer: What idiot called them swordfish instead of... oh, no, wait, actually that's pretty good.
@wendchymes: Fight club but just dueling neighbor's aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other's lawns.
@waydybee: whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, "oh, this is the one u were talking about" &watch the awkward stares!