My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”