My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Dead
Alive
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or