My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Who’s your best friend?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Cndnsd Mlk
#CatsOnTwitter
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir