@scorpicpanda: My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can't hear me 25 times.
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@WilliamAder: Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn't leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
@sirmunchie: My GF arrives in town next week. I'm so excited! I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn't make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.
@thepunningman: Airport Security: Please remove your shoes Man: Don't be ridiculous, I'm no terrorist AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
@bluntphilip: Adding the word "farmhouse" to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.