This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Bond. Trauma bond.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
seems fine
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.