Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.