No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
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Green is just blue that someone peed in
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.