@davidstassen: My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.
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@Reverend_Scott: You see two puppies. "Awwwww!" But they're cannibal puppies! "Ahhhhhhh!" One puppy eats the other! "Ewwwww!" Then he takes a nap. "Awwwww!"
@TheHyyyype: [about to go in for emergency surgery] ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
@ShortWhiteNUgly: I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
@EndhooS: Wife's lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce? My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked...