me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.