@ashley_barnhill: My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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@thetits: FRIEND: OMG I'm so glad to get away from my kids for a bit ME: haha yeah I don't think I'll ever have kids FRIEND: no it's the best
@sofarrsogud: ON PHONE WITH MY MOM HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family? ME: *proudly* No I am not! *high fives my pet penguin
@DanMentos: "So you met the victim on tinder" Yes "Do you often meet women on tinder"? Yeah I've been murdering it on there *lawyer puts head in hands*
@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.