My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
You Might Also Like
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
😂😂
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.