@tealbluejay: My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am.
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@FeelingMervis: I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout? Oh... *reaches under mesh shirt* *takes off nipple ring* Better?
@WritePlay: *Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs* "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." *Asteroid crushes Earth* "Dammit Dad."