My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
So true for me
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*