@tealbluejay: My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am.
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@Chumpstring: My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
@chrisdowning: When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
@ProudFFAalumni: woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.