My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
You Might Also Like
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
WTF
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place