911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work