[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush