@ANNIEwayyyy: My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
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@errdayhustlah: My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one. Parenting is hard, you guys.
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] HER: He's always talking down to me ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
@jedfudally: childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is