@ANNIEwayyyy: My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
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@dreamthievin: A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
@stephenjmolloy: *stationary for 7 hours* Me: "Actually, I'm not sure this is one of those driverless cars."
@nettie0918: My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.
@LackOfShame: Women, when you say: "We should move into a better house." A man hears: "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die."