funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..