@MUMSIEesq: My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I've got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
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@NoticablyBacon: December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
@azizpabani: ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus