@MUMSIEesq: My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I've got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
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@mrjohndarby: [meeting my gf's parents] her: *quietly* don't worry, my dad's nice but he doesn't say much [later] her dad: I love my daughter very a lot me: i see
@skinnyfrittata: A kid asked me how babies are made so I panicked and said “3D printers” because no one has ever explained it to me either
@AndyAsAdjective: 11YR OLD: dad, are we poor? ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter 11: so we're poor M: yes
@candace_9871: Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.