@MUMSIEesq: My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I've got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
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@fuzzlime: I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I'm "approachable" & the upper class thinks I'm "eclectic"
@kenwhacksit: I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!
@djdarrellripley: Me: Hey, look, I can't stay long, I've got a cab downstairs. Her: You took a cab? Me: I'm gonna give it back!