“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
what
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.