@Darlainky: My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can't tell how much she's drank. I'm glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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@jwoodham: When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."
@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner? Wife: Casserole. Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.
@LostCatDog: He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit piñata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes