My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.