@AGreaterMonster: My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
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@ninjadinosaur1: I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I'm awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
@_GrahamPatrick: MAN: See my tattoo? It says "Only God can judge me." GOD: That shirt with those pants?