@AGreaterMonster: My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
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@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
@stephenjmolloy: "It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
@ch000ch: me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i've got a date tonight. siri: "lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha."
@flashember: [1st Day after wildebeests take over] I'm safe in my house [Day 7] Thought I heard clattering [Day 21] THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES