THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator