@JennyJohnsonHi5: My mom (seriously) asked if my friend's brother "still had down syndrome." No mother, he walked it off.
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@dyldonot: [girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
@Dawn_M_: I won't undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.
@DonQuickoats: I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go
@DanielRCarrillo: "I'm a green onion and I'm here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day." -A rapscallion