My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet