My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.