My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜