My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
You Might Also Like
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.