@JediGigi: My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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@DevilryFun: Interviewer: We offer great benefits. Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
@djdarrellripley: Her: I noticed you're wearing one green sock, and one red sock. Me: Yea, I've got another pair just like these at home...
@unknownshoulder: Batman: "Shall we watch a film?" Superman: "Have you got Cape Fear?" Batman: "Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?"
@Home_Halfway: ME: Hey you haven't talked to me lately, are you mad at me FRIEND: No things are just really awful ME: Oh thank god FRIEND: What