My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.