@lisaxy424: My mom texted me asking what "DTF" meant and I told her "Dedicated To Family"...I seriously can't wait for her to use it.
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@imence2: Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like "for your next divorce" or "clothes that make you feel skinny".
@bfrosty04: Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.
@thenatewolf: Guard: what do you want for your last meal? Me: anything? Guard: anything Me: the warden Guard: oooooo he ain't gonna like that...