@RowdyBerger: My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars
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@andyerikson: Give a man a baby, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [Bee diary] Day one: met a really cute queen bee Day two: queen bee is now my gf Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.