My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences