My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
#damn
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
The Birdles
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.