My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Wikigenius
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
somebody come look at this
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*