I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.