Just so funny
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
OMG 🤣🤣
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
good for her
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.