Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
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“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.