@AdderallMomma: My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.
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@yungsweater: Can I get an amen? AMEN! Can I get a b-men? BMEN! Can I get a c-men? CME--*the whole church laughs*
@_itspat_: There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?