@AdderallMomma: My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom.
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@LMLMadness: Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
@LifeUnPinterest: Make it RAAAAIN!! ICE CREAM GUY: Ma'am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant ME: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad WIFE: Second: No you're not
@hythemafia: Sperm 1: "Geez I'm exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?" Sperm 2: "A long way, we've just passed the tonsils..."