My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee