My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
You Might Also Like
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
FRED: right
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters