My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money