@maughammom: My 'Mom Voice' was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@joe_binkley: Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad. Son: What's wrongdad? Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.