My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Butt weight. There’s more!
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries