Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
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I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.