It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
how to have fun when you’re poor
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly