@buriedwithkids: My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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@WigCannon: Do you know why I pulled you over? "Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet." I meant this time "Oh. No." Please step out of the oven.
@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
@BromanConsul: "Science HAS gone too far," I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard. The Colonel laughs.