My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.