@primawesome: My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could've done to get on my mom's level.
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@BiIIMurray: I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
@kiel_phillips: ME: I would like a complaint form ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left ME: I would like two complaint forms
@david8hughes: [cat shelter] Me: so u don't test for it but u say none of them have it? Owner: we've never come across a cat with martial arts training, no
@radtoria: OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER [flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]