My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Ah..makes sense now
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.