My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
You Might Also Like
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking