My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.