My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”