My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.