@snowmedia: My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"
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@Lisa_Laughs_: You said I could have my way with you. If you didn't want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should've been more specific.
@XplodingUnicorn: [watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
@caribbeanaj: I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.