My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them